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Rent a wife? How ‘bout a goat?

There’s actually lots of weird stuff you can rent via the Internet

CNN News Wire | 9/6/2013, 2:59 p.m.
Certain products are definitely OK to rent. Like a car. Or a tuxedo. Or the cheapest room at a Motel ...
Rent a Goat claims to be cost-effective, eco-friendly, and super cute weed removal service. rentagoat.com

Rent-a-John: If you live in the Carolinas and need a temporary outdoor toilet that doubles as a sweat lodge, these guys have you covered.

Rent-a-Kid: This is the title of a really bad Leslie Nielsen movie from 1995 about a guy who rents out orphans. I actually found it on YouTube and watched the entire thing when I literally could’ve been doing anything else with my time. Like riding in a balloon with Gary.

Rent-a-List: Put that coffee down! This lead generator aims to help people in sales find potential customers to sign on the line that is dotted. A ... B ... C ... Always Be Cluttering people’s inboxes.

Rent-a-Midget: Lacking morals? Having a party? Looking for alternative entertainment? You’re in luck.

“Barb, I have the perfect idea for Brian’s bar mitzvah reception!”

Rent-a-Negro: Back in 2003, damali ayo — who, officially, doesn’t capitalize the first letters of her name — created this (now-defunct) website as a form of “Web-art-performance” based around the fact that she felt like a “professional Black person” to her white friends.

Through Rent-a-Negro, she created a special mock rental form so White people could request services such as touching her hair, teaching them how to dance and speaking with their racist grandmother.

She eventually turned her art experience into a book called “How to Rent a Negro.”

Because that’s what I need on my shelf.

Rent-a-Pet: This led to several articles about renting animals. On that note, my dog is now available for quinceañeras.

Rent-a-Quote: Turns out, this is a term used to describe someone who will shamelessly provide a comment to the media on pretty much any topic. Usually, this person’s motivation is money and/or exposure.

I enjoy both. Call me.

Rent-a-Ruminant: Ruminants are mammals that eat plants and then barf out the cud. Thus, we have yet another service for renting out goats. I wonder if my new friend Gary knows about this.

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rentaswag.com

Comedian Aziz Ansari portrays the character Tom Haverford on NBC’s “Parks and Recreation.” His character comes up with a business idea for renting expensive clothes to boys in middle school who, because they are still growing, have parents who won’t buy them nice things.

Rent-a-Swag: Comedian Aziz Ansari portrays the character Tom Haverford on NBC’s “Parks and Recreation.” In the fifth season, he comes up with a business idea for renting expensive clothes to boys in middle school who, because they are still growing, have parents who won’t buy them nice things.

We had Rent-a-Swag growing up. It was called crappy hand-me-downs from my brother.

Rent-a-Text: This just takes you to a site for textbook rentals. When I was in college, I once opened a textbook. It was exhausting.

Rent-a-Van: It appears Enterprise strategically cornered the Internet market for when you absolutely, positively need an all-white windowless van. They’re perfect for driving slowly down sorority row while breathing heavily. Chicks dig that.

Rent-a-Wheel: This is the “largest rent-to-own custom wheel and tire retailer in the nation.” Excellent. I’ve been thinking of tricking out my Saturn.

Rent-a-Yurt: Ask anyone. Nothing is more fun than camping in a large round room.

“Ha! Ha! Whee! No corners!”

So, if you want to rent a yurt lodge somewhere in America, Yurt Lodging will help get you there. Because we all want a round room at the end of the day.

Rent-a-Zilla: This search leads you to a specifically titled strip from a Web comic called MegaTokyo by Fred Gallagher and Rodney Caston. It involves ninjas and jails and monsters.

Kind of like my bris.

But that’s a long story. And I’m saving it for my balloon ride with Gary.

Each week in “Apparently This Matters,” CNN’s Jarrett Bellini applies his warped sensibilities to trending topics in social media and random items of interest on the Web.

Jarrett Bellini | CNN