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Rent a wife? How ‘bout a goat?

There’s actually lots of weird stuff you can rent via the Internet

CNN News Wire | 9/6/2013, 2:59 p.m.
Certain products are definitely OK to rent. Like a car. Or a tuxedo. Or the cheapest room at a Motel ...
Rent a Goat claims to be cost-effective, eco-friendly, and super cute weed removal service. rentagoat.com

Certain products are definitely OK to rent. Like a car. Or a tuxedo. Or the cheapest room at a Motel 6 when you find yourself strolling down I-85 at midnight with no pants.

Things are weird at home.

But a Los Angeles-based company caught the internet’s attention this week for renting something completely unexpected: wives.

Yes, the Rent-a-Wife might just be as horribly misogynistic as it sounds. Because it’s pretty much what you think it is: a housekeeping and odd jobs service where renters can choose a “wife” from three pricing tiers, ranging from the Starter Wife to the Good Wife to the Trophy Wife.

The company’s founder, Juliette Bresnahan, says most of her clients are actually women. So, who the hell knows?

What really matters is that, clearly, if you just surf the Web long enough, you’ll find lots of really weird stuff you can rent.

So I did.

Alas, when I started Googling “rent a ...” followed by each letter of the alphabet (minus vowels and X) to see what would autofill, this is what I found:

Rent-a-Bay: A self-service garage in Kent, Washington, Rent-a-Bay is where you can work on your own vehicle with the same professional conveniences of a mechanic. It’s a good idea, but there’s also a 100% chance I would kill both myself and others in the process of changing a spark plug.

Rent-a-Center: This is a fairly well-known store for rent-to-own furniture and appliances. It’s also not a bad rebuilding option for the Phoenix Suns.

Rent-a-Dreads: This one sort of blew me away, for it has nothing to do with leasing a temporary dreadlock weave like the words might suggest. It’s actually a term used in regards to female sex tourism. In the Caribbean and Central America, male sex workers are often referred to as Rent-a-Dreads.

In America, a male sex worker is simply known as “Dave with access to Craigslist.”

Rent-a-Friend: This site claims to have “Friends from around the world available for hire,” perfect for anyone who just needs a buddy. Some of the activities they say people are using Rent-a-Friend for are sporting events, wine tasting and hot air balloon rides.

“Hi. I’m Gary. Would you like to ride in a balloon with me?”

“Hi. I’m Tina. No.”

Rent-a-Goat: This is just what it sounds like. You rent a goat and then let it eat unwanted plants and weeds. But, really, I just want to get one for my dog.

“Mikey, this is goat. Goat, this is Mikey. If you need me, I’ll be inside shopping for friends.”

Rent-a-Home: A house leasing company in Greensboro, North Carolina, somehow managed to come up first in my Google search. Which isn’t very exciting. But right below it was Rent-a-Husband.

Their slogan is “For those jobs that never get done!” which leads me to believe they specialize in renting out alcoholics who like watching football.

“My Rent-a-Husband was just as advertised! The garbage disposal is still busted, and he left the toilet seat up. Would definitely use again. Five stars!”